I am a college girl currently studying and living on campus.
Before I thought seriously about my sexuality, I had always defaulted to the idea that I would find a boyfriend and marry a guy in the future, and often imagined romantic moments when I would put on a wedding dress.
There is always a little bit of nervousness and shyness in your heart when you hold hands with a boy.
Being rumored to be with a boy feels quite annoying on the one hand, and secretly happy on the other.
Physiological urges also always favor the opposite sex.
Baby~ Is your love life not yet open?
Let's see if my answer fits your situation first;
You mentioned the main obsessions: anxiety and obsessive thinking about sexual orientation, what to do about it
In the first part, I will talk about my own experience - about the understanding of sexual orientation: from middle school began to read romance novels, to high school addicted to delayed beauty (pure love) works, all kinds of old-fashioned, novelty stories have read, but also fantasized about all kinds of objects.
There was a time when I thought about getting married early and even planned to have children early;
But being introverted and unsocialized - it resulted in a path to dating.
I just muddled through until I was 25 two years ago when I suddenly got the hang of what type of person I was attracted to (and repeatedly had my heart set on a specific personality or someone during that time). Then the dating continued, and I continued to hit the wall.
Part II, on obsessive-compulsive thinking about sexual orientation.
On a personal level, as a woman, choose men.
This is in line with the dominant values of society and fulfills the underlying social expectations. Or rather, it conforms to the framework of a patriarchal society.
It stands to reason that such conformist thinking shouldn't trigger anxiety.
In the third part, let's find out why.
Anxiety from obsessive-compulsive thinking.
This is a thinking or emotional disorder.
A quick way to relieve anxiety can be distraction, which works in the short term.
Thought disorder you can understand as cognitive or logical stuckness.
[Women prefer men] This sexual orientation is fine in terms of social values.
But this logic stresses you out.
There may be several reasons for this
1. the person spreading this value turns you off;
2. is repulsed by social values themselves, but hasn't yet sorted out the cause (which, from your description, shouldn't be the case);
3. is a subconscious or conscious resistance (which can be interpreted as your sense of self is awakening and breaking through.
I'm thinking of these three angles for now.
You have love and courage of your own.
