I always feel that she is not active enough to feel her love for me, which makes my heart very unbalanced, so we often fight.
Usually after a disagreement, I'm almost always the one who goes ahead and makes up. Last night I really wanted to calm down and work things out and she agreed.
I ended up chatting on WeChat and arguing again. She was slow to reply and when I asked her what was wrong, she said she was in a bad mood and needed time to slow down. I waited for half a day and instead of solving the problem, I got angrier. Finally I put my foot down and said I would never go soft this time. She asked if it was going to be a cold war, and I said yes, and that I wouldn't be mean anymore. Now it's been a day since I've had any contact and I'm really hesitant to go back to her. It always seems like she might not love me that much, is it worth it for me to go and ask for peace? I'm worried she'll look down on me or get an inch, even though I still love her in my heart.
Hi, the fact that she's bothered you enough to come here for help shows that you still like her and care about the relationship. Kudos to you first for your passion and responsible attitude ?
From your description, I've sorted out three key points:
1. you suspect she may not love you as much as she should.
2. you're worried that going soft will be bad for you.
3. you're thinking about breaking up
First, in response to the first question, I have three possibilities for you.
"Her expression of love may be different from yours."
There may be differences in the way you express your love, which you need to observe and communicate. For example, some people use companionship to express love, some use romantic gestures, and some use practical actions. Maybe in her opinion, after a fight, I hope you coax her is the expression of love, because if she does not love you, may not care whether you coax. This issue requires you to communicate more to understand each other's ideas.
"Her emotional expression may be limited."
Some people are naturally more bland in their emotional expression and don't get too passionate with anyone, but they do their best. It's like different cell phone memory and different experiences. If her total amount of emotions is not much in the first place, even if she gives her all, you may still feel it's not enough.
"It's true that she may not love you that much."
If you rule out both of the above, then that's probably the problem, although it sounds a bit sad.
In response to the second question, I would like to share a research finding.
American psychologist John Gottman, who has studied marital relationships for many years, has found that men's behavior has a great impact on the quality of the relationship and is the key to its success or failure. Of course, women have a role to play, but men have a more prominent role. (Think about why a lot of women's anger is caused by men and you'll think that's a pretty spot on summary ?)
I understand your concerns and you want her to coax you on occasion. But it's important that you make the need known, lack of effective communication can alienate each other. Maybe when you seriously tell her that you need to be coaxed too, she will realize and be willing to change. In intimate relationships, communication is more useful than gambling.
If you are confused about communication, we suggest learning about nonviolent communication skills, check out the book Nonviolent Communication, it's sure to be rewarding. If possible, learn and grow with her oh.
In response to the third question, the answer will naturally become clear when you sort out the first two questions.
Well, to help you get out of your funk and to better deal with relationship issues in the future, I recommend you read Love Communication and The Love Game by John Gottman. The Communication of Love is written specifically for men, and I hope it will help you understand her better and run your relationship better.
Good luck ?
