My hometown is in the countryside and I've been helping my mom with farm work lately. Usually, we get along quite calmly, and I keep any grievances bottled up in my heart. Whenever I feel aggrieved, when I think of how tired my mom is too, I think it's my job to do this, so I do what she tells me to do and keep my anger down.
But today, I just couldn't hold it together, so I'll elaborate below.
In the morning, all the major chores were done and there were only a few little odds and ends left to do, so I slept in a little longer today and didn't get up right away. When my mom came to call me, she said in a mocking tone, "Why don't you get up yet, aren't you going to go today?" From before to now, she has been so sarcastic at work whenever it doesn't go her way at all, making it especially hard for me. I didn't actually not want to work, but when she said that, I got angry.
When I was working, she was always telling me what to do, which I thought was normal, but no matter how many times I did it, she was never satisfied. And I can not have emotions, a little upset, she said, "do a little work is so grumpy?" And there were a lot of harsh words mixed in. My mom is very talkative, and I've tried to talk back, but she just ignores it and keeps talking to herself, completely unaffected.
Hello, friend! See the words as they are.
"I think my mother's trying to pua me.
".
It's great that you realize that what your mother did was probably wrong. Our culture always says "there are no wrong parents", but honestly, parents are just people, and no one teaches them how to be good parents.
Some people do something well and some do it poorly, and the same goes for parents. Parents who guide you and act as role models are hard to come by, and most parents have flaws, but they don't have negative energy all day long. But there are some parents who are rude and take out their negative feelings on you, and these are what Susan Forward calls "toxic parents".
Think about it, isn't it? As children, we naturally want to please our parents, and if you meet a loving parent, you feel happy and secure and don't suffer.But when it comes to "toxic" parents, they get angry at you whenever they are dissatisfied, thinking that it is all someone else's fault and that they are immature. In order to please them, we even "rationalize" their behavior, reflecting on whether we are wrong, and begin to feel inferior and blame ourselves.
From your description, you've actually been pretty diligent. Disgruntled parents are sometimes just trying to assert authority or vent their emotions. Even if you're doing a good job, a prickly parent will still belittle you. We're upset because the people closest to us who are supposed to be supportive become the ones who hurt us the most.I understand that you want to be tolerant of your mother, and her type of personality may be related to the single parent experience. Some parents gain a sense of control by scolding and trying to keep you; sometimes it's a random tantrum. But my friend, being tolerant doesn't mean you have to make excuses for her faults; it's not your obligation.
If you love your mother very much, try to communicate with her calmly and tell her that the criticism makes you sad. It doesn't matter if you're told that you're being "melodramatic", you're her child and you have the right to be pampered and dependent.Regardless of the outcome of the communication, tell yourself: my mother is wrong, she shouldn't lose her temper over small things, and even if she scolds me, it's not my problem. If possible, try to avoid the scenario of being scolded.
Of course, I'm not saying your mother doesn't love you, just that she may not be doing a good enough job of loving and mothering you.
I recommend you to read the book "The Original Family", it may help you to find the answer.Good luck.I am Yushu, a little mushroom who wants to treat the world gently and also give herself the space to grow freely.
